Now we have all seen the jokes, the memes and everything else the internet has to offer, with regards to the UK’s recent toilet roll shortage. But what if you’re a man or woman on the edge, if every joke is an insult and every meme a memory of a simpler time this post is for you.

A time when you had enough to wipe up spillages without having to think about its essential use. A time when you didn’t have to count sheets or ration them out amongst your housemates or your family. This is war ladies and gentlemen, and your arse needs you.

If you’re down to your last sheet of two ply then you must face the great challenge: how on earth are you going to wipe your arse? If you are truly worried about your bog roll supply don’t worry, your boys got you covered with these simple solutions.

The Immediate Shower

Now there is an old adage that I am sure many of you will have heard before: shit, shower, shave. These are the basic elements of a man’s morning routine (ladies you can substitute shaving for something else, unless you need to of course). This principle, although traditional and uninspiring, is going to get you through this.

If you take these processes immediately after one another, it is quite possible to imagine a life without toilet roll. By showering immediately after your morning defecation and manually cleaning your behind, your derriere will remain clean, this I promise you. Now, unfortunately this technique will not work for everyone, due to the fact that every digestive system was not created equal. It will be hard for some people to keep a regular once a morning toilet routine, with this in mind I have a few other ideas.

Get a Job at a Supermarket

Getting a job is probably the last thing anyone is thinking about amid the panic and disorder we are facing in the UK. However, this could work in your favour. Supermarkets all over the UK are crying out for people to help them, from deliveries to stacking shelves, supermarkets need as many people as possible.

The beauty about this solution is quite clear and simple, if you manage to infiltrate the local supermarket as an employee you will gain first come first serve access to all the stock that comes in. Desperate times require desperate measures and accountants and rocket scientists alike could benefit from working at their local. Think about it, you will never have to fight anyone for toilet roll ever again.  

Become One With Nature

If stacking shelves or showering immediately after every excretion is quite simply impossible (all though I find that hard to believe) then I’m afraid you face very dark times. You will have to utilise whatever you have available, whatever the earth provides and whatever you can get your hands on. Anyone who has been on a camping trip knows what I mean.

It is dark, it is dirty, it is disgusting but it’s better than nothing. Become one with nature, connect with your primal instincts and use a leaf. Please avoid anything that will cause irritation though, like stinging nettles.   

The Continental Approach

Our friends in Europe seem to have the right idea when it comes to anal hygiene. As strange as it sounds we can all take a leaf (not one covered in poo) out of the European book. If anyone here knows the function and use of a bidet you might catch my drift here. To truly avoid dirty hands when the world panic buys toilet rolls you need to live a life without toilet rolls. Don’t be like them, be the smart one and invest in a bidet.

You can get these things fitted into your bathroom and clean your behind on a regular basis as and when you please, regardless of toilet roll reserves. When all this seems to slow down, get the plumber round. So next time, when the world turns to shit, none of it will end up on your hands.